On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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