I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
