Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
