So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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