I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I smell stomach acid.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
do herpes really smell.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
