Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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