marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
