i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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