I wish my penis had an off switch
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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