DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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