shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
