this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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