My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
