God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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