now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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