If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You may now shotgun with the bride
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize