Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
