Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
