Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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