Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
