There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have aggressive nipples.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
