I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
