How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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