I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
