You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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