Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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