My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
