There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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