Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
