you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
