It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
