i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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