the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
