I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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