dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
