so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
