do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
