Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
