will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize