So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
