i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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