Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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