She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
