In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
They are going to name an STD after you.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize