Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
