Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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