I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
