I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
