The maid of honor just puked.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
