OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
