So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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