I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize