All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
